It all

The Lover
I will not save you from the penalty. Are you not my lover still, and you know what to do in times of trouble, O Brave One? This is my house, these are my friends. My car needs repair, my young needs her tea fixed. Help yourself with anything. Flap the duster or something.

The Mud
They cannot watch the final tonight because the power is off. In the dark, we mind to star gaze and talk about dead things, and a little bit about future – similarly nonexistent. But they tread on in the rain, covering the dead with leaves and mud. I thought I saw your face in the puddle.

The Taxi
Llyod-Webber’s Music of The Night on the radio. Weird – that should’ve only happened with imaginings. She is pregnant with his baby. There on the back seat, another man is necking with her. City lights and passersby sing amorously. Seven minutes before the murder.

The Question
No answer. The usual letting go. Who’s gonna do the dishes, the ironing? Who’s gonna lock the door? Why are you here? Why are you still here? You. You. You are not him. You love me. It’s the system of Eject.

The Ghosts
After the burning of the witches, what has become the forest? The water washed away the ashes. The wet grass and the cricket, deep in thought.

Kok aku becanda terus?

Ehhhhh…. siapa bilang? Aku tuh orangnya serius abis. Tapi kelamaan serius, jadinya kenceng juga. So, becanda sedikit boleh lah. Banyak apalagi. Tapi, becandaku nggak bisa menandingi Lik Sumar, kolegaku yang lagi sewot-sewotnya sama aku itu. Kalau dia sih sudah di ambang kegilaan. Serius.

Tapi menurut teori Freudagnesian, yang lahir setelah Lacanian, kegemaranku becanda dimotori oleh perasaan bersalahku terhadap orang-orang di sekitarku. Bayangkan saja. Hidup ini kan sudah semakin sulit. Cari duit pontang-panting seakan nggak pernah cukup. Nyekolahin anak nekak pangkal leher. Mau mengusung misi pendidikan tapi kok susu nyaris nggak terbeli. Masa mereka harus juga dibebani keseriusanku? Kan nggak perlu. Yang serius tuh menyakitkan lho. Inget film A Few Good Men kan? Waktu Jack Nicholson bilang, “You can’t handle the truth!” menurutku dia benar. Dalam banyak hal, kita cenderung, dan kadang memang harus, berkamuflase. (Lho emang the truth tuh terjemahan dari kata ‘serius’ ya?)

Sejauh ini aku merasa tulisan ini aneh. Tapi biarlah. Kemarin siang, Bu Retno, mantan dosenku yang kini kolegaku, bilang pada kami, para dosen muda yang ganteng-ganteng dan kenes-kenes (halah!), “Lho bapak-bapak dan ibu-ibu ini katanya nggak punya uang, kok pada punya laptop?”

Piye to, Bu? Kami memang nggak punya uang, tapi punya laptop…

KB: Satu anak cukup!

Entah kenapa program KB “2 anak cukup” seakan lenyap dari sejarah bangsa kita. Mungkin karena dekat asosiasinya dengan Orde Baru. Banyak hal boleh saja diganyang dari rezim lama, tapi kenapa yang juga “the most thoughtful and brilliant program” semacam KB ikut dibasmi? Terus terang aku nggak bisa ngerti.

Aku hidup di kota yang tak lagi nyaman untuk ditinggali. Kota yang hanya menyisakan nostalgi lapuk. Setiap sudutnya dipenuhi manusia yang bergerak bedesakan, sementara  yang lain jalan di tempat terhimpit ketidakmampuan ekonomi. Degradasi di segala bidang. Satu pekerjaan nggak lagi cukup. Semua kepala dalam satu rumah harus bergerak keluar demi sekepal nasi. Itupun beriring dengan segala macam kotradiksi yang nggak masuk akal. Buang sampah sembarangan, ganti motor setiap tahun, ganti HP setiap enam bulan, nongkrong di mall setiap sore, mal-mal dan pusat-pusat rekreasi yang kian menjadi simbol bangsa yang tercerabut dari akarnya di tanah sendiri.

Pulau Jawa kita sudah kepayahan dihuni terlalu banyak manusia. Manusianya sudah kepayahan diserbu kebutuhan, dijajah kapitalisme yang hadir di pipa-pipa kapiler kehidupan. Oksigen itu barang mahal. Tanah ini tak hendak kita pijaki lagi. An Unconvenient Truth. Sekalipun menuai banyak suara miring dan skeptisisme (nggak terkecuali my own), film Al Gore itu haru ditonton setiap orang di tanah Jawa. For your kids’ sake, nggak pernah ada yang salah dengan menyayangi kehidupan.

Tanyalah lagi kenapa kamu menginginkan menambah anak ketika semakin banyak anak-anak di luar sana yang nggak dimanusiakan? Tanyalah lagi makna “meneruskan keturunan” dan “darah daging sendiri.” Tanyalah lagi pada raga dan mentalmu, benarkah mereka kuat diburuhkan oleh hidup?

My decision of not having another kid has cost me my marriage. Tapi aku nggak bisa mengingkari apa yang kupercaya sebagai kebenaran. Sekali lagi, nggak pernah ada yang salah dengan menyayangi kehidupan.

I’m being serious. I’m no fun.

Cookie time!

It must have been one fine, fine day. At the 2008’s A. I. final, nothing compares to David Cook, not even angelic face Archie. Cook is IT! To Widya, sorry, sis… Your DA needs a few more years to outshine DC 😀

Boy, I love to see men in tears!

The English Roulette Aftermath

Man Utd came out champions in the dramatic Champions League final against Chelsea. I’d name Owen Hargreaves and Patrice Evra men of the match, while Wayne Rooney the worst (the whole squad should throw pencils at him!)

Ronaldo was a very lucky man today. But I feel like hugging John Terry of Chelsea. 😦


How many times have I heard the cliche saying that people meet each other for a reason? Many. The first person directly told me this was the director/actor/poet/translator, Landung Simatupang. So much as I cherish the moment I met this inspirational man and how much I was enlightened and transformed (from an ugly duckling to a… platypus???) I couldn’t help myself from taking the risk of questioning. To me, it’s not to find out what role we play in each other’s world, but rather, it’s a matter of significance. Because life is short, baby. We don’t have that much time to waste, or many dreams to swallow. We roll on, yes, but we also hit and crash, bruising ourselves on the way. Nonetheless, I dare not say that I have not been lucky thus far..

Still, I found what happened recently weird. It relates to the “psycho” who became the heroin/villain in my previous post. Like in the movie “Crash,” or even “Breaking and Entering,” we finally met each other – head to head. We talked, mostly about her problems. Honestly, I was tired of wrapping myself in that same ol shrinkish costume, but I gave in to my (O Lord!) kindness or, perhaps, pure curiosity. I was actually in a small crisis myself at the moment, but at least, I wasn’t the one who needed serious help from others (yet! D’oh). Her problems were given different perspectives by somebody who’d had too much drama in her life. So, in short, there was a spark of hope that things would start turning better for the heroin.

That made me wonder of my significance in her life. She didn’t produce any good explanation to why she chose me to sit there – all ears. It was just a curious thought, and I never blush for having such a thought (should I??) I was aware that I made a little difference in her small universe. But I am still a skeptic, and a tired skeptic I am. Your head is what saves you at the end of the day. Her problem shouldn’t be mine, and I’ll make sure it won’t. I have played “saving the damsel-in-distress” thing in a few people’s lives, and that’s enough, at least for now. Getting to know new people is a tiring business these days, so I’ll send my invites on another day.

P.S. I was ecstatic to have met Widya again after so long. It was truly an uplift to find in each other that, well, we’re still hot, fantastic, fabulous, and ass-kicking awesome! Now, that was SIGNIFICANT!!! 😀

Ignore, clicked!

Not paying attention can sometimes be the most generous thing one could possibly do to someone else. I am not mainly defending my cruel act, I am also doing it on behalf of those who did this to me. The reason is simple: to minimize unwanted consequences (of paying attention, of course!)

Take this as an example. Refusing to give good advice to a nagging friend may grant her a moment, first, of hating you (which shouldn’t be too painful for you); second, of making herself a little bit useful; and third, of giving you some peace of mind. Another example, silly as it may sound, not replying a text message from your secret lover may grant you some easy time with your wife – even though you cannot forget the moment you canoodled with your lover just last night. Besides, secret lovers all over the world know the rule of the game all right.

The reason why I wrote this was because I was annoyed by some anonymous text messages some stupid maniac had sent me recently. I replied the first message only to receive even more idiotic messages. So, I decided to stop giving her what she wants. I refused to feed her ego with my exhibit of concerns. Her? Yep. I know who she is, I just pretend otherwise. I found it out soon enough after some Scotland-Yard-ish investigation. We’ll find out if this “delete and ignore” treatment works with this drama queen. We’ll see if this will make her stop her sending messages. Jeez, these loonies…

The jumping jack

A British man jumped off a balcony on the 21st floor and landed on a playground on the 5th floor of an apartment building in Jakarta! Here’s what ticked me. His laptop traveled with him in the lethal short trip. Reported was the guy was a journalist, so it made sense his attachment to his laptop must have been great. But to climb on your balcony railing with it was such a mischievous action. Especially when you are on a sky scrapper! But it turned out that it wasn’t unexplainable. The guy was high, drugs found in his blood. So, was it a happy landing, after all? There’s no urgency to find the answer. But still, I had a weird feeling. The poor guy lived in the apartment complex where I stayed for a few days at. The incident happened just one day after I left. I walked around the playground where his body was found dead, only a couple of days ago. It reminded me again that things can go completely wrong only in a matter of seconds. Yesterday, a friend told me that her hub had slapped her across the face out of jealousy, and this is the person whom I always thought of having the most decent, happy, simple life anyone could hope for.

I don’t know. I just feel… weird.