Mary Poppinish: eh?


I smile a lot. Way too much, perhaps, but certainly much more than, say, 5 years ago. Yesterday a student of mine made a presentation about the smile therapy. Still another, about having a positive attitude towards life (of course!) There was nothing new there, obviously, it was just a confirmation that what goes on inside affects you physically. Am I saying that I look younger than my age? Hell, yes! Hahaha (see… I laughed again! Damn!) But there’s a flip side to the matter. I don’t believe you can really have a positive attitude without having been tested through the dark tunnel. There’s no shortcut to it as they hopelessly try to prove in those “how to” books. Don’t try to persuade me into seeing the sunshine when I voluntarily give myself to misery. This reminds me of a few years back when I was so occupied with negating any hint of positivism, not to mention refusing a good friend’s offer of comfort. I was that unhappy.

I can’t say that I’ve acquired true happiness as much as I can’t say that I’m not happy (but what is “true” anyway?). It’s some kind of content, which I can’t properly describe because I still find myself feeling sad and angry quite often. I remember watching a pretty lousy Hong Kong movie. What it’s about is not really important (yes, because it’s lousy), but one of the characters says something like “one can only be a god if one has been through a fatal illness”. I was just connecting the dots between that statement and the state of content, the state of not wanting more than one can realistically have. But who wants to be a god, anyway? Well, if the idea of being one includes making out and having great sex regularly, who doesn’t?

I still curse a lot. I still feel unhappy at times. It’s just that everything made of glass around me is safe(r) now. What do you see on my face, pal? By the way, I stole this from a friend of a friend’s “about me” section on Facebook:

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in
you.

 

there is no other way.

and there never was.

-Bukowski

Just information, Mary Poppins is one of the worst musicals I’ve ever seen!

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